Why you can do everything “right” in your relationship, but it could end anyway.
Here's something that changed everything for me: you are only in 50% control of the outcome of your relationships (I know, I felt resistance to this too). But before you throw in the happy ever after towel, let's talk about why this knowledge is power and what you can do with it to create a life you love with less fear of loss.
The faster you realize that relationships function under a different rule than any other area of your life, the more terrifying relationships appear, yet the wiser and more secure you can become within them.
Why Relationships Are Different From Everything Else
Professionally, you can put in 150% percent effort, and most of the time (unless your boss has a personal vendetta or selfish hidden agenda), you will end up with promotions, accolades and admiration. If you're not meeting expectations, you receive feedback. Not because your boss is a great communicator or emotionally mature, but because it's part of the job. You then take that feedback and make the required adjustments. Everyone wins.
In relationships, you can put in 150% effort and be tossed to the curb like day-old bread. Why?
Even the "Experts" Aren't Immune
When I shared with one of my clients my recent experience of being discarded by my husband of almost 5 years (together 7) - mostly happy and what appeared to be in love - she was understandably triggered. "But you're a relationship coach! You know all the tools, you've done the work, and you help other people with this stuff. How could this happen to you? If it can happen to you, it can happen to anyone!"
The bad news is she's right, and the good news is she's right.
Without realizing it, self-help and personal relationship development can become a sneaky way to show up perfectly in our relationships so that we are not too anything for anyone, and therefore we can avoid abandonment.
The 50% Rule Changes Everything
But the truth is, we can never be solely responsible for the success or the failure of a relationship because we're only responsible for our 50%.
When you go into your next relationship, ask yourself if only 50% was yours to figuratively hold, what would that look like? How would it feel to surrender to that truth?
What I've learned through my most recent experience with betrayal and heartbreak is that it is not our job to pour into the relationship 150% of the time. This is incredibly hard for the over-givers of the world.
It is our job to give 150% to our 50% most of the time. That means having a boundary within the effort we give to our relationships. This is where our power lies and how we avoid discarding ourselves to keep someone's love and loyalty. Because at the end of the day, love and loyalty are something self-generated. If someone can’t give one or the other, that is about them. No amount of perfection or overaccommodating will change it.
What Giving 150% to Your 50% Looks Like
Communicating your needs clearly and consistently, even when it's uncomfortable
Setting boundaries and maintaining them with kindness but firmness
Showing up authentically rather than performing what you think they want
Taking responsibility for your emotions and reactions without taking on theirs
Investing in your own growth, interests, and friendships outside the relationship
Being generous with love while protecting your own well-being
Example: Instead of staying up all night trying to fix their bad mood or walking on eggshells to avoid conflict, focus intensely on communicating, staying true to your values, and responding (not reacting) from a centered place.
Red Flags: How You Know You're Giving Too Much
You're exhausted from trying to manage their emotions or reactions
You've stopped doing things you love to accommodate their preferences
You find yourself making excuses for their behavior to friends and family
You're constantly analyzing what you did "wrong" when things go sideways
You feel responsible for their happiness, mood, or life outcomes
You've lost touch with your own needs and desires
You're giving more energy to fixing the relationship than living your own life
Shifting from: "How can I make this work?" to "How can I show up as my best self regardless of what they choose to do?"
Why This Makes You Stronger
Your awareness of this pattern is already healing in motion. Here's what's beautiful about owning your 50%: when a relationship ends, you haven't lost yourself - you have 50% of an investment to grieve and recover from. This means you're inherently stronger and more capable of healing rather than being destroyed or permanently broken. You’re not a shell of a person, you’re a person in recovery. You know that once your 50% is repaired and restored, the next person and relationship will benefit from all that inner work. Your possibilities for happiness aren't diminished by someone else's choices - they're limitless.
If you're ready to stop discarding yourself to keep someone else's love, to learn what your 50% actually looks like, and to build a life from a place of wholeness rather than fear - reach out. You don't have to do this work alone.
Your unwavering coach, Legan
