You Won't Become Selfish
Why confidence doesn't corrupt good people—it frees them
One of the most common fears I hear from clients goes something like this: 'If I start putting myself first, won't I become selfish? Won't I hurt people? Won't I become...a bad person?'
There's this underlying terror that confidence and empowerment will turn you into someone you don't want to be. That if you stop sacrificing, stop playing small, stop proving your goodness through depletion and dishonesty —you'll become the villain in your own story.
The fear of being selfish is often a sign that you don't trust you're a good person.
All that sacrificing? All that shrinking? It's not generosity—it's insurance. It's an attempt to prove (to yourself and others) that you're worthy, kind, and good. The problem is, you can't actually prove goodness through self-abandonment. You just end up exhausted, resentful, and still convinced you're not doing enough. Especially if and when your strategies don't work, and you end up being the bad guy in someone else's story anyway.
I had a client who was terrified to set boundaries with her mother. She told me, 'If I say no to her, doesn't that make me selfish? She sacrificed so much for me.'
But when we dug deeper, it wasn't really about her mother. It was about her needing to prove—through constant availability, through saying yes when she meant no—that she was a good daughter. The boundary felt selfish because she'd been using self-sacrifice as evidence of her goodness for so long.
Here's the truth: Actually selfish people don't worry about being selfish.
They don't agonize over whether they're taking too much or asking for too much. They don't fear their own empowerment will turn them into monsters. If you're afraid of becoming selfish, you're probably the furthest thing from it.
What you're actually afraid of is:
Disappointing people
Being seen as 'too much' or 'not enough'
Losing love or acceptance
Proving the critical voice in your head right
Your fear isn't evidence that you're on the brink of selfishness—it's evidence that you've been taught your needs are a burden and your empowerment is a threat to acceptance and love.
Confidence and empowerment don't make good people selfish.
They make exhausted people whole.
When you stop using self-sacrifice as proof of your goodness, something shifts:
You stop resenting the people you're trying to please
You have more to give because you're not running on empty
Your relationships become more honest (and healthier)
You start trusting that you're a good person—not because of what you do for others, but because of who you inherently are
If you're afraid of becoming selfish, try this:
Notice when you're sacrificing to prove something. Ask yourself: 'Am I doing this because I want to, or because I'm afraid of what it means if I don't?'
Practice small acts of self-prioritization. Say no to one thing this week. Notice that the world doesn't end. Notice that you're still a good person.
Reframe 'selfish' as 'self-honoring.' What if putting yourself first wasn't selfish—it was just honest? What if your needs mattered as much as everyone else's?
Trust your goodness isn't conditional. You don't have to earn it through depletion. You don't have to prove it by playing small. It's already there.
You're not going to become selfish by feeling confident and empowered. You're going to become free. Therefore, the question isn't 'What if I become selfish?' It's 'What if I've been using self-sacrifice to avoid trusting that I'm already good enough?'
You are. You always were.
Legan
